August 11, 2003.

the world doesn't stand still.

it is the feeling of nausea that you get after you have had too much to drink, when you stand above the toilet bowl wondering if you are actually swaying or if it's in your head, wanting to throw up but not being able to.

only you don't want to throw up and it's not nausea, it's anxiety. thoughts of things changing, thoughts of your brother leaving, thoughts of your nephew forgetting you -- the little person you loved more than anything in the world. you hope with all your heart that he will remember you, but know deep down that he won't. after all, how much of your life do you remember from when you were six years old?

it's funny. you initiate change where you are concerned, yet you expect everything around you to be the same. did you really expect him to stay there forever, while you made of your life whatever you wanted? perhaps you never thought otherwise.

---