February 20, 2004.

a realisation.

i'm embarassed because i cried, then. embarassed now that maybe i ruined everything, although he will probably not remember.

"you always get like this when you have a few beers in you" he told me. almost true. not always. twice. but a valid point anyway.

i asked him what i had done wrong and he was, as usual, very rational about it. i don't remember most of it, but i remember him telling me that sometimes people just didn't get along and you had to get over it.

after that, i was more careful. and i thought about it more, and i realised that i was asking the question thinking that i had done nothing wrong. what i had to do what accept the things that i had done wrong, distribute the blame evenly.

it had been my fault, as much as his. my out of control drunkeness, my depression, my jealousy, my high expectations, all of which probably led to his lack of caring.

now, i can work to fix myself. now, i am, apparently, the best. not quite. there are still many things that require work, but it's nice to hear it.

"and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

[ look back ] [ look forward ]

[ then ] [ now ]