June 07, 2003.

my biggest fear.

the other day, i dreamt that my brother died.

it was one of those dreams, so vivid that you actually begin to think that it is happening. the ones where you want to scream, you try to scream, and no sound comes out.

"but how can his heart just stop?" i ask the doctors in my dream. "how"? i fall to the ground and cry. i feel dead inside.

bhaabi tells the children. the younger one is too young to understand what death is. the older one doesn't want to believe it, but does he even understand what death is? he looks away, and pretends not to hear her, like he used to when he was a baby and people he didn't like talked to him.

i wake up and text my brother. he is okay. everything is okay.

death scares me. not my own, but that of those i love. the thing about it is - it can't be undone. you can't make everything right again. how do you continue living?

i don't think i could handle it.

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