July 10, 2003.

the things i never thought about.

gonz says i worry about things i can't control. he's right. part of the reason i can't sleep at night is because i'm worrying about these things: worrying about people i love dying before me. worrying that if my parents die, i will be left with a ridiculously large inheritence that i won't be able to control.

it's not something i considered before, but as i grow older, and things happen to people i know, things you never thought or expected, i realise that i can't hide away from reality forever.

my dad is a very rich man, richer than i even know. the reality is that i will probably never have monetary problems in my life. but this is not the way i want it to be. i want my own life, i want to be able to do something for myself, by myself. when i look at my dad i don't see a distinguished wealthy man, i see my father. and i don't want to be handed a lotto jackpot sized inheritence, i want my father to be there. always.

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